Wing Commander Heath, fearing a barren weekend, had spent the week on the phone trying to drum up support from the ranks in order to field a team against Sandbach. Duggie Bader was gutted at having to cry off – being legless is no excuse and is generally the accepted norm at the Moor! Guy Gibson was spending a quiet weekend at home with Nigger (dam)! and the Red Baron (Richthofen) was unavailable awaiting the decision of the league committee on a ‘Bosman’ ruling. Nevertheless, Heath had (on paper) 25 players at his disposal, which must be a 3^rd team record.

Research showed that Sandbach are much improved on home territory (see match report on the away leg for confirmation) but they tend not to travel well, so the game plan was to hit them hard and early. The kick off was delayed whilst we awaited the arrival of the last car, so we took time to re-visit the changing room and allocate 2 players to the opposition in order to make up the numbers. Many thanks to Jason, Dangerous Dave, Reedy and Mike for helping out the opposition in their hour of need.

Come to think of it - there’s not much to say about the game. We started well, middled well, and finished well. The defence was adequate enough to prevent the visitors from scoring. In attack, we had enough pace, belligerence and support to make the best of every opportunity, even if our decision-making could have been (at times) better. Thomas the Tank Engine and "Flash" Gordon (it's just like it says on the tin), intelligently given the lion’s share of the ball by the WingCo, made easy work of creating scoring opportunities, and indeed we could have converted more chances if passes had gone to hand and greediness had been avoided. Gordon looks like he recently graduated from the Stonehouse School of Sidesteps and Dummies, and he is to be commended on his enthusiasm and confidence in earning a jug and converting 7 of the tries! We were pinged early for going to ground over the ruck, but when this was sorted out we took or retained possession with reasonable ease in the loose. The scrum remained solid throughout – the line out was more than adequate, and we were first to the breakdown 95% of the time – so there’s  a little room for improvement!

Court Orderly Coates (or COC, for short) enjoyed an afternoon of flamboyant running – he now knows what shape a rugby ball is – a great sight in full flow bouncing off would-be tacklers. Talking of which, it must de really disconcerting if you’re the team’s acknowledged hard tackler and you hit Phil Thomas with all you’ve got and end up being given a ride like a rodeo cowpoke! You need a healthy dose of Kryptonite to get Tommo on his knees! Tommo tanked his way irrepressibly around the park, all guns blazing, and helped himself to a few tries, then got bored so went off at half time.

Dangerous Dave, disguised as a Sandbach winger, hypnotised a baffled Reedy into taking him on and nearly did a Beggie on the hapless winger – Reedy was lucky to escape without stitches. Kirky replaced Coates at half time (when the game was already won), and looked impressive hitting the ball up with stunning pace and power over 3.2 yards (except for the one where he took his eye off the restart kick in full view of the victorious second team). Maybe he would have been capable of making a 5 yard impact if he'd not had two trays of bolognaise and pasta followed by a kebab and family bucket KFC whilst spectating the first half! Woody joined the fray and nearly scored from keen support play with his first touch (he bagged an Me109 later, after the bombers had dumped their load and pissed off back over the channel). Jaz sparked a sniping blindside attack following a ball taken against the head, and Novak pinned back his ears for a 50 yard solo effort, reminding everyone what he’s capable of (and used to do more regularly 2 years ago).  Tom Ireland was hitting tackle after tackle and turning ball over for fun – I’m surprised he didn’t make the score sheet.

Heath, the master puppeteer, had pulled all the right strings in all the right places since the start of the match. With the points in the bag, he magnanimously stepped aside to give Colt Darryl “Strawberry-Blonde-Not-Ginger” Edwards his senior debut. Edwards took to the fray like a natural (unlike his hair) and gave plenty of early ball to his senior team-mates. He also showed his pace to surge through a half gap and win the foot race to the line to score on debut – reminiscent of his Colts skipper, Tom Ireland.

Sutty – suffering from over-celebration of his 21^st birthday, overcame his alcoholic haze to produce some scintillating runs. Maybe the alcohol served as his nitrous oxide tank to fuel the afterburners – well, he certainly looks like his ride has been pimped! Talking of which (again) – enter Max Arnold, resplendent in Oxbridge Punting tracksuit, county cap (cricket, not rugger) – and brown brogues. Wing Commander Heath told the erstwhile flyer to strip for action, so Max donned his 1982 ADIDAS originals and took off the pyjamas, whilst offering his skipper a pinch of snuff (refused). His first action was to support a superb break up the left wing and offload in contact to create a try. Nice to have him back… I think.

The real entertainment occurred in the office after the comfortable victory. A record number of victims joined the two-pints-through-the-duck club, and the audience was privileged to witness a curtailed version of Max’s Party Prick – piercing and all. I’m sure this would never be seen in the prestigious halls of the professionals, so we must smile in acceptance of the fact that none of us will ever be good enough to earn a crust from our playing talents. As the sage Brian Moore said at the dawn of the professional era in 1986, “No-one has ever suggested that the likes of ‘Old Rubber Duckians’ should start paying their guys for playing.”  Our rubber duck serves another purpose!

A warm feeling pervaded the inner soul of leader, Heath, who, during a quiet moment on the settee that very evening whilst phoning the result in to the league, decided to promote himself to Group Captain for self-assessed outstanding leadership.